Beware Of The Chocolate

“We’ve all been there: You took an extra puff on a joint or ate an edible that was stronger than you thought it’d be. Before you know it, you feel the rush of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC)—cannabis’s psychoactive component—in your system. It can happen to anyone but don’t worry, we’ve got your back with 4 ways to combat the effects of too much THC.”

This cheery and practical advice from a medical marijuana dispensary newsletter arrived just a few days too late as I’d already been there and done that. My journey on the THC express train started innocently enough when I received my medical marijuana card in order to purchase medicinals to help alleviate some of my MS symptoms.

I was somewhat skeptical at first because back in my younger days, I did not really enjoy smoking pot. While it was great if you wanted to eat chips, veg on the couch and watch Saturday Night Live, I did not like feeling as if I could not function.

You’re Not In College Anymore

This newfangled medicinal marijuana was supposedly different. You could get all the good stuff without the “good stuff”, benefits without the buzz. Starting small, I tried CBD or cannabidiol products without the psychoactive THC. All was going fine until I decided to try a new product, an edible that had some THC because apparently you get even better results with THC and CBD together. Besides, I had given up alcohol and needed a cocktail replacement at parties.

The instructions said to take half a dose, then wait an hour or so to determine the effect. “DO NOT take more until you see how it affects you.” Dutifully I took the half dose and when an hour later didn’t feel anything, took the other half. Hey, I’d smoked pot in my younger days, I could handle this small bit of chocolate. Chocolate laced with a psychoactive ingredient but chocolate nonetheless.

Why Is The Keyboard So Small?

We were finishing up dinner when BOOM, it hit. The effects started creeping in and everything slowed way down including the ability to put together a coherent thought. I retreated to the office, trying to decide if I should fess up to my spouse or ride it out. Being practical I thought I might as well get some work done. After trying to log into our bank account four times and failing, I realized it was best to give up and watch cat videos.

Not wanting to ride this out alone and not wanting to tell the rest of the family I was Snoop Dog baked, I attempted to text a friend only to realize it was an impossible task in my current state. I did manage to send out an email sharing my plight, much to the amusement of said friend. She was at least concerned enough to asked if I had plenty of chips on hand.

Crunch, Crunch, Crunch

Yes, the classic cotton mouth, red eyes and munchies were upon me. According to the newsletter I’d received too late, these are the classic signs of overdosing with THC. Who knew? Yesterday’s high is apparently today’s overdose. Back in the day we thought those symptoms were the point, along with complete incapacitation.

After an hour or so I came out of hibernation to get something to drink and find something crunchy to eat. In a nod to my more sensible self I went for healthier options and believe me, rice cakes and carrots have never tasted so good.

What’s so funny mom?

I thought I had gotten away with the whole thing until my wife asked if I could pick up our son from band practice.

“No, no I cannot. I am completely fried at the moment and probably should not leave the house, in fact I’m not sure I can leave this chair anytime soon.”

She looked at me for a moment, laughed, rolled her eyes and headed out the door.

At some point in the evening, the effects diminished and I went from unable to function stoned to really, really silly stoned. Putting laundry away with one of my kids somehow became gasping for air funny. I had gone from hoping my parents wouldn't realize I was high to hoping my kids wouldn’t notice. Did the DARE program at school cover how to tell if your mom is stoned?

Never Again, Except Sometimes

All things considered it was a valuable learning experience and on the plus side I slept really well and woke up with absolutely no stiffness in my muscles. That said, there is a fine line between medicinal effects and comatose. While I prefer the former to the latter, I wouldn’t rule out double dipping on the “chocolate” with a bowl of popcorn, good friends and Saturday Night Live highlights on YouTube.